Lights! Camera! Hammerhead! Read online

  Jellyfish do that when they’re scared.

  In the distance, Cora and Pearl are swimming as fast as they can. Normally, I’m one of the fastest swimmers around, but with Ralph and Joe slowing me down I’m finding it hard to keep up. Pearl and Cora are not only swimming around each other and high-finning when they come close, but they’re also double-ending and tail-swapping as they go.

  Up ahead I can see the shadow of a boat bobbing and skipping on the waves. As I look closer I can see a light brighter than the sun shining in the sea. There’s a leggie dangling in the water, dressed in a rubbery wet suit. She’s holding a massive light and swinging it around like the lighthouse on the shore above Shark Point.

  SPLOSH!!!

  Another leggie crashes into the water and I can see he’s holding a movie camera. He’s moving around, all excited, and pointing to the light-holding leggie. He wants her to shine the light over toward me!

  My heart starts to pound. I let go of Ralph and Joe, smooth down my hammer with my fin, and give my best sharky grin.

  The light shines right in my eyes and I strike a pose-just as heroic as Gregor in the poster, if a little hammer-ier.

  But then it goes dark again as the light in my eyes moves away.

  I look around, wondering what’s going on. Here I am, all ready for them, but they’re pointing their camera and light in completely the wrong direction!

  And then I see what happened.

  My heart sinks like an anchor.

  There, in the spotlight, flexing his fin muscles and pointing his tail, is Rick Reef! He’s triple-nosing from the slickest fin slide into the über-coolest gill slam I have ever seen. Even I have to admit it is pretty amazing, and I feel the bottom fall out of my world.

  Just as the world falls out of Joe’s rear.

  “Sorry!” he says.

  “Shh!” I hiss at him. Rick finishes on an old-school reverse dorsal, spins on his tail, and throws his fins wide.

  Not only are the leggies following Rick’s every move with the camera, but Cora and Pearl are screaming, “Rick! Rick! Rick!” in their best cheerleader voices.

  “I guess we’d better go, then,” says Ralph gloomily. “No one’s gonna want to film us if we’re up against Rick.”

  I hold up my fin. “Not so fast. I haven’t even started yet. There’s no way I’m going to let Rick steal the spotlight. He’s not the only shark in Shark Point!”

  I kick away from Ralph and Joe until I am right under the shadow of the boat.

  That’s when Rick notices me.

  He keeps smiling and waving to the camera with his fin, but under his breath, he says, “Swim on home, Anchor Face. They’re not here to film a dork show. They want real sharks, like me.”

  I grit my teeth and flip into a double-endy.

  “Harry,” calls Joe, “be careful! That boat has propellers. You don’t want to end up getting demolished!”

  Rick laughs. “See? Even your friends think you’re a clumsy dork.”

  In the background, I can hear Donny Dogfish, Rick’s sidekick, laughing behind his fin. I glare at him, trying to look tough, but it just makes my eyes cross and he laughs even more.

  Cora and Pearl are still chanting, and suddenly I feel really annoyed. I’ll show those dolphins, Rick, and most important, the leggies, exactly what a hammerhead can do.

  I push past Rick right into the camera‘s light. Curling up my tail and taking a deep breath, I begin.

  This is what happens:

  1. I do a perfect nose stall.

  2. Rick chuckles and busts three gill slams.

  3. Gritting my teeth harder, I swoosh a double inside-outy.

  4. Rick shouts, “Easy!” Then he does exactly the same thing and finishes on an almost impossible outside-inny!

  5. I race toward the boat’s shadow and curl a wicked single flip.

  6. Joe is shouting at me to calm down, but I’m not listening.

  7. Rick is right behind me, doing a full-on eyes-closed belly rush!

  8. Joe screams something about me getting too close to the boat.

  9. I yell at Joe to be quiet and fall backward into a desperate upside-down devil smash.

  10. I can see that the leggies love it. They are swinging their light this way and that, following Rick and me with the camera.

  11. Rick starts whizzing in tighter and tighter circles. I can’t believe what Rick is planning to do. . . . He wouldn’t! He couldn’t!

  Rick does! I don’t believe it!

  He bursts out of the middle of a swirl of bubbles and heads straight toward the surface. I can see him looking back at me with big wild eyes, as he kicks with his tail as hard as he possibly can.

  Cora and Pearl are cheering him on. Even Joe and Ralph are watching with their mouths hanging open as Rick whooooooooshes past the leggies and BREAKS THE SURFACE!!!!!!

  Through the sparkling waves I can see his shivering shadow twisting in the air above the ocean. He does a graceful double nosey and tail touch, then SPLASHES back into the water. The leggies go crazy.

  That’s it!

  Spin. Kick. Spin. Kick. SPIN. KICK. SPIN! KICK!! SPIN!!! KICK!!!!

  BANG!!!!!!!

  I’m heading for the surface too. I’m going double . . . no, three . . . no, four times faster than Rick did. I’m heading up toward the sunlight with Pearl and Cora’s screams and Joe’s “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!” ringing in my ears.

  SPLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I break the surface and I’m out into the air!

  Flying higher and higher.

  I know exactly the trick I want to bust. A triple-goofy gill slap and tail flip.

  I twist and kick, still rising. Twisting. Turning. Feeling the wind on my sides, smelling the unfamiliar salty air, feeling the rush over my hammer as I ripple and twist.

  I’ve done it! A full stunt above the waves, in mid-air with room to spare.

  There’s no way the cameras are still going to be on Rick.

  I’m gonna be a STAR!!!!!

  Well, I would have been a star if it hadn’t been for the following six things. . . .

  1. I’d come out of the water too fast.

  2. I’d pushed up too high.

  3. I hadn’t thought about my re-entry after the tail flip.

  4. And . . .

  5. And . . .

  6. Oh.

  I crash down out of the sky and land with a wet, breathless slap-right on the deck of the boat!

  I don’t know who’s screaming louder, me or the leggies. They’re running in every direction, waving their hands in the air in panic. I’m on my front, trying to flip myself off the side, back into the water, and realizing that I can’t breathe!

  This is bad. Really bad.

  If I had time and wasn’t about to suffocate to death, I’d slap myself in the head with my tail for being so brainless.

  All I can see are running legs, and all I can feel is the hot sun on my back and it is starting to dry me out! I have to admit to myself that Joe was right, which makes the whole situation even worse.

  I try yelling to the leggies to help me, but all that comes out is a terrifying hiss that seems to scare them even more. A couple of them even look like they’re about to throw themselves in the water to get away from me. I think they change their minds when they realize that there might be one shark on the boat, but there are hundreds in the ocean.

  I manage to get one fin underneath me and lift my head a little, so I can see more of what’s going on. I look around and see that most of the leggies are huddled at one end of the boat. There are two more leggies, a man and a woman, climbing out of the water. One of them puts down a camera and the other a huge light and they start waving their arms. They’re the filmmakers from the water!

  I don’t think this is the best time for me to show off, but I do try to give them a smile.

  The woman screams and the man leaps back and nearly falls into the water. I close my mouth and frown. Why are they so scared? But o
nce I have my mouth closed, they get a little braver and start coming toward me with their hands outstretched.

  Slowly, I try to move forward using my fins and tail, but I just fall back on my belly with a slap. The two leggies coming toward me take a small step back, as if they expect me to bite them. I wish I could explain to them that I’m really not interested in eating them. I JUST WANT TO GET BACK IN THE WATER!!!

  I look at them with each eye on the end of my hammer and try my best to lie still. The leggies look at each other, nod, and start walking toward me again.

  It’s getting really difficult to breathe now, and I’m finding it hard to stay calm.

  The leggies grab hold of my fins and drag me to the side of the boat.

  The wood of the deck tickles my belly and I let out a giggle, which comes out sounding a little like an angry hiss. The leggies let go again, and I have to think of something really sad to stop the giggling. I picture Rick posing on a movie poster. It makes me feel angry rather than sad, but at least it keeps me from laughing.

  The leggies grab me again and take me right to the edge of the boat. I swivel my eyes around and see that the really scared leggies are getting a little braver now. They edge closer to get a better look. The leggies heave me onto the side of the boat. I can see the ocean, all wet and inviting below me, and then the other leggies coming toward me.

  A few of them are brave enough to give me a little stroke before I get pushed back into the water.

  Thank Cod! I can breathe again!

  But as the bubbles clear, all I can hear is laughter.

  Rick is right in my face, clutching his sides with his fins. Big, fat laughs are coming out of his mouth in huge snorts. Behind him, Cora and Pearl are laughing too. They have their fins across each other’s shoulders, and they are laughing so much I think they’re going to be sick.

  “There he goes!” calls Rick as I swim away as fast as I can. “The shark so clumsy he can’t miss a tiny boat in the middle of the ocean! You’d better get those hammerhead sensors looked at, Harry. They’re obviously as cruddy as the rest of you!”

  Red-faced and with hot tears in my eyes, I swim and swim and swim. I can hear Ralph and Joe calling me, but I don’t care. I have to get out of here.

  “How useless are hammerhead sharks?” Rick shouts after me. “A whole bunch of leggies to chew on, and he lets them push him back into the sea. Me, I’d love to eat a leggy air-breather if I got the chance. Not Harry, though. Harry is their pet!”

  I don’t stop for anyone until I get home.

  I can hear Mom in the kitchen. Dad probably won’t be back from his office yet-or he’s still trapped on the sports center roof-so I might be able to sneak in without anyone noticing.

  But as I try to skulk past the kitchen, my catfish swims over and starts purring loudly.

  “Is that you, angelfish?” Mom calls from the kitchen.

  I hate it when she calls me that.

  “No,” I say. “It’s the Most Dorky Shark in the History of the Sea, and the leggy air-breathers have it all on film to prove it!”

  Mom comes out of the kitchen, wiping her fins on a dish towel. “What are you talking about?”

  So I tell her.

  When I finish, Mom wraps her fins around me and cuddles me close.

  I hate it when she does that, too.

  Why can’t she just leave me alone? Can’t she see I want to go to my room and sulk?

  Mom wets the edge of her sea sponge with her tongue and wipes some seaweed from my face.

  “Sounds like you’ve had a rotten day. Why don’t I make you a lovely dinner and then you can soak in the hot spring and I’ll scrub your back, like I did when you were a baby? I have a really lovely new sea-urchin scrubber. You used to love that.”

  Could my day get any worse?

  Well, yes, it could.

  Mom makes me sit in the kitchen while she cooks dinner. “Since you’re so upset, I’ve made you a whole plate of leggie-shaped fish cakes and coral crunchies! They’ll make you all better.”

  My dinner is so babyish that not even Ralph would be willing to clean it from between my teeth.

  Not that I care about Ralph anymore.

  Or Joe.

  I don’t want to see anyone ever again. I’m way too ashamed.

  When Mom isn’t looking, I pour the leftovers out the window and make it look like I’ve cleared my plate. Mom goes straight back to the stove. “That’s my hungry little starfish! I’ll make you some more.”

  I hold up a fin. “No thanks, Mom,” I say. “That was great, but I’m full and I’m tired. I think I just need to go to bed.”

  “What a sensible little starfish!” Mom beams. “How about I sing you a lullaby, then? That always cheers you up.” I open my mouth but it’s too late. “Rock-a-bye Harry, on the sea top,” she shrieks.

  Aaaaaaaaaah! Of all the lullabies in existence, why did she have to pick the one that mentions the sea top?

  “I’ve got to go, Mom,” I say, swimming for the door. Mom blocks my way with her hammerhead and gives me a big, slobbery kiss. I close my eyes and wish that I was in a terrible nightmare. At least then I’d be able to wake up. But I’m not in a nightmare. Mom pats me on the hammerhead and finally lets me go. I swim to my bedroom so fast my dopey head gets jammed in the doorway. Once I finally make it in, I slam the door and throw myself on the bed.

  What a rotten, ROTTEN day!

  I don’t think I’ve ever been so embarrassed. Not even when Dad accidentally tripped on Queen Aquae the Third’s robe and fell into her lap on LIVE TELEVISION!

  That’s it, I think, I’m not going out again for this whole entire vacation. If I don’t go out again, I won’t see my dad making a fool of himself as he tries to open stuff and make stupid speeches, and I won’t bump into Rick and the dolphin twins. And I won’t be filmed making a complete fool of myself.

  There’s tons I could be doing at home anyway. It won’t be that bad to stay indoors for the vacation, will it? I mean, I’m a clever shark-I can find lots to do. I’ll make a list to show you.

  1. Um, I could . . .

  2. No wait, I know . . .

  3. It might be a good idea if . . . no . . . um.

  4. This is turning out to be a much harder list to make than I imagined.

  Whatever.

  I don’t care if I’m so thick headed that I can’t even make a list of what to do while I’m all thick headed!

  5. I’m staying in my room for the whole vacation and that’s that!

  Hmmmmmmmmmmm!

  I don’t want to open my eyes.

  Hmmmmmmmmm!! Hmmmmmm!!

  I’m not going to open my eyes. I snuggle deeper into my bed and flip more seaweed blankets over me with my tail.

  Hmmmmmmmmm!! Hmmmmm!! Hmmmm!!!

  Then a bright light starts flickering in front of my eyelids, making the darkness all pink.

  The light just reminds me of the film crew in the sea yesterday. I put the pillow over my head.

  “Come hmmmmmm on, Harry. Hmmmmm it’s time to hmmmmmmmm get up!” Humphrey, my humming-fish alarm clock, is humming right in my ear. I’d been in such a bad mood last night I’d forgotten to ask him not to wake me up at the usual time.

  “Leave me alone,” I say from beneath the blankets.

  “But it’s time to rise and SHINE!” says Lenny, my lantern fish, shining his light right at my closed eyes again. He’s swum under the blankets to point his light at me. Lenny and Humphrey are really useful when it comes to getting up in the morning, when you want to get up. But when you don’t want to get up ever again, they’re a real pain.

  “Look!” I shout, pushing back the blankets and roaring up out of the bed. “I’m not getting up!”

  Humphrey hmmmmms quietly and Lenny flickers softly. Humphrey raises his fin. “I . . . I don’t want to argue with you, but you’ve, um . . . just gotten up.”

  He’s right. I am out of bed.

  Which is exactly what I didn’t want to do.


  Why does everything keep going wrong?

  On top of that, I can hear someone coming down the hall outside my bedroom. It’ll be Mom, with a special breakfast to cheer me up.

  I. Want. To. Scream.

  As the door opens, I dart back into bed and signal to Humphrey and Lenny to be quiet with a dark look that makes them both shiver.

  It is Mom, but she doesn’t have breakfast.

  “Morning, angelfish.”

  Humphrey and Lenny start snickering behind their fins.

  “I just wanted to tell you,” Mom goes on, smoothing down the corners of my blanket, “that Ralph and Joe have been asking for you.”

  The last two people I want to see.

  I groan.

  Mom stops smoothing. “What’s up, angel?”

  I think quickly . . . then flop my fins out wide and stick out my tongue. Mom peers at it. I can see Humphrey and Lenny shaking their heads and hiding their faces in their fins. “I don’t feel well,” I say, flipping my tail slowly and painfully and coughing a little.

  Humphrey can’t help himself and hmmmms in disgust, but I flick him a “pipe down” look from the other end of my hammer as Mom places a fin on my forehead to take my temperature.

  “I don’t think I can even swim to the kitchen for breakfast,” I say, coughing again.

  “Well, you don’t have a temperature,” Mom says. “But if you don’t feel well, you’d better stay home, and I’ll put the sea-cow steaks I had out for breakfast back in the fridge.”

  Sea-cow steaks?

  My tummy rumbles at the thought. But I can’t get out of it now. I groan and turn over in bed as Mom leaves, saying “Maybe Dad might want them in a sandwich to take to County Hall.”

  Today is shaping up to be as rotten as yesterday, and I haven’t even left my room yet.

  “Hey, Harry!” I hear Ralph from outside my bedroom window. “You getting up or what?”

  Joe puts his tentacles through the gap in the window and unlocks the latch. The window opens wide and Ralph and Joe float in. Humphrey and Lenny float out, shaking their heads at me.