Space Invaders Read online

  WITH THANKS TO PAUL EBBS

  “FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I yell as I blast out of my bedroom at top speed.

  “FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I shout as I zoom down the stairs.

  “THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I scream as I hook my hammer head on the corner of the kitchen door so it will swing me around into the kitchen in an awesome double-tail-swirl.

  “TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I roar as I smash through the currents and shatter the quiet of my parents’ breakfast.

  “ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I holler as my fin skids perfectly across the surface of the table, scattering plates and cups in every direction!

  “TOUCHDOWN!” I howl at the top of my gills as I thump into my chair, grabbing a spinning spoon.

  “Major Hammer to Fishon Control,” I say, flipping the box of Kelp Krispies over my floating bowl. “We have achieved splashup!!!!”

  My dad, Hugo Hammer, the mayor of Shark Point, looks at me angrily.

  My mom, Harriet Hammer, looks at me, and she’s not smiling.

  “Harry!” they both shout. “What on ocean are you doing?”

  “I’m a terranaut!” I shout back, making roaring rocket noises. I leap off my chair and fall to the floor, pretending I’m struggling against the increased gravity of land!

  In your leggy airbreather world you have spacetronauts and astrowomen or whatever. Leggy airbreathers who go into space and land on the moon, or fly to the International Space Station and do experiments.

  Under the sea we have terranauts (“terra” means “land”) and send rockets up to land so we can explore and stuff.

  Right this second I’m cosmically excited, because the lead terranaut, Buzz Sharkfin, is coming to visit our school! And we are going to take turns giving him presentations about what terra exploration means to us.

  TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  I’ve never met the ocean’s greatest terranaut before, but I do have all Buzz Sharkfin’s shows. In fact, if I just flick my tail onto the remote control, I can get one playing right now on the flat-screen.

  “I was watching that!” says Mom as the picture changes to a slow-motion picture of Buzz Sharkfin in his water-filled protective terrasuit, climbing out of his terraship.

  I watch with openmouthed wonder as Buzz pushes his lead fin into the sand to make the first sharkprint on land, saying, “That’s one small paddle for shark, but one giant superswim for shark-kind!”

  “Turn it back to your mom’s program, Harry,” says Dad.

  “Oh, come on, Dad, let me watch this. It’s amazing.”

  “How many times have you watched it?” Dad asks.

  “Ummmmmmmm . . . ,” I stall.

  “How many?”

  “Four thousand, six hundred, and twenty-three,” I say, looking down and feeling my cheeks turning red. “Since last Wednesday.”

  “Exactly,” says Dad. “Now turn it back.”

  Ummmmmm . . .

  Oh no! But suddenly there was a TERRIBLE ACCIDENT! I pressed the wrong button on the remote control!

  The show reran to the moment Buzz said, “That’s one small paddle for shark, but one giant superswim for shark-kind,” and I had the awful job of watching him make that historic finprint again.

  Mom and Dad are not happy.

  Oops!

  I glance at the kitchen clock. Normally I wouldn’t be leaving for school for another fifteen minutes or so-certainly not before my friends Ralph the Pilot Fish, Joe the Jellyfish, or Tony the Tiger Shark get here-but not today. Checking for about the millionth time to make sure my presentation for Buzz is in my backpack, I swoosh past Mom and Dad and race for the door.

  Mom and Dad are calling to me, but I’m zooming too fast to hear them-today, nothing is going to stop me getting to school first!!!

  Except everyone got there before me.

  Here’s a list of everything that’s going on outside school when I arrive-and none of it makes me happy.

  1. Tony has his nose pressed up against the school gates, trying to keep his place as the other kids and squids crowd around him.

  2. Ralph is hanging on to Tony’s tail for dear life as the crowd pushes forward.

  3. Joe is right at the back saying, “Perhaps Buzz isn’t coming and we can all just get on with a normal, safe, nonscary day. Please?”

  4. And Rick . . . Yeah, Rick the Reef Shark, my number one least favorite kid in school because . . . This needs a Rick sublist:

  He always creeps up behind me and FLUBBERS my goofy hammery head when I least expect it.

  He’s also the one who wants to be the best out of everyone in class. Even MORE THAN I DO!!!! And this needs a Rick sub-sublist because it’s so bad!!!

  He’s . . . He’s . . . RICK’S SHOVING HIS WAY TO THE FRONT OF THE CROWD, PUSHING KIDS AND SQUIDS OUT OF THE WAY, WEARING A BRAND-NEW BUZZ SHARKFIN OFFICIAL BRAND T-SHIRT AND CARRYING AN AUTHENTIC BUZZ SHARKFIN BACKPACK.

  The kids and squids are getting out of his way as if Rick is Buzz Sharkfin!

  Rick swims along with a grin so wide it might meet around the back of his head and make his nose drop off.

  I wish.

  “Everyone move back please! I need to open the gates!” announces Mrs. Shelby, our teacher. She’s waving her flipper around and pushing the hard edge of her turtle shell against the gates so they can swing open.

  The crowd swims backward in the water, leaving Rick alone there like the gates had opened just for him!

  Rick does a tail-endy and a half-barrel into a bow, then shouts, “Hey, Rubberhead!” at me.

  Then suddenly . . .

  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!

  “ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  “SCREAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!”

  “Heeeeeeeeeellllllp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  A massive green shellicopter descends from the waves above-its blades spinning wildly and its engines roaring like a hundred storms.

  Rick is caught in the swirling wake, picked up and sent flying off into the water, up and up, and away over the school!

  By the time the shellicopter lands, the door opens and the ocean’s greatest terranaut climbs out, and Rick, I’m glad to report, is nowhere in sight!

  “FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  The whole class cheers as Buzz Sharkfin floats through the school gates, waving a mighty fin as he goes.

  “FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  We yell as we look at his gleaming teeth, his awesome hair, and his tanned face.

  “THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  We howl as Buzz gives a little bow to Mrs. Shelby, and her face turns pinker than rose coral.

  “TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  We roar as Buzz turns to wave near the school door, and his shellicopter takes off into the wide blue yonder!

  “ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  We scream as Buzz disappears inside to prepare for his speech to us about his adventures as a terranaut!!!!!

  “OI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUBBERFACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  Rick bellows in my ear as he appears next to me, once again flubbering my hammer head.

  “Look at me!” Rick grabs my still twanging hammer and puts his face right up close to mine. I can smell the rotten waft of sea cow yogurt on his breath. “Why didn’t you tell me Buzz’s shellicopter was landing behind me? I wound up in the garbage cans on the other side of the school!”

  Rick picks a lump of three-day-old crab-egg-scramble out of his ear and swims into the school, leaving a stinky cloud of garbage
juice in his wake. “You’re in real trouble now, Rubberface!” he calls back to me.

  Oh great.

  Everything is my fault.

  Again.

  “Terra exploration isn’t just glamour and giving talks to crowds of schoolkids,” Buzz Sharkfin says as he floats on the stage set up in the gym. “Although there is quite a bit of that.”

  “No,” Buzz continues, “being a terranaut is a dangerous, but above all, incredible job to have.”

  “See?” whispers Joe in my ear. “He said it’s ‘dangerous’ first. Not last or in the middle, but first! Doesn’t he know that my nightmares are already having nightmares of their own?!?!”

  As if to underline how nervous Joe is, his bottom toots with fear, not once, not twice, but ten times!

  Buzz continues.

  “I may have been the first shark to successfully make a finprint on the surface of the land, but our journey as oceankind must not end there. There must be further missions, there must be further exploration, and you schoolkids are the future terranauts. You are the brave . . .”

  “I’m not,” whispers Joe.

  I shush Joe as I see Rick scowling at us.

  Buzz goes on. “Sadly, I can’t be a terranaut forever. One day I’ll make my last flight, and after that, it’ll be up to kids like you to replace me.”

  I feel my heart swelling in my chest. Just the thought of it-riding a roaring rocket to the top of the ocean, out into the atmosphere-to touch down on another world. The land!

  “Which is why I will now be joined onstage by Dr. Lillian Lamprey, from NASA-The National Aqua-Terranautical and SeaSpace Administration-to talk to you about my next mission . . . and how one of you might get to play a part!”

  My heart pounds as Buzz floats back to let Dr. Lamprey, who is wearing a white coat with lots of pen-fish sticking out of the top pocket, swim up onto the stage. What did Buzz mean, one of us might get to play a part?!

  “Today,” Dr. Lamprey begins, pushing her glasses back over her top lip with a flick of a tail, “NASA is announcing that the next mission for Buzz Sharkfin will be a journey farther onto terra than we have ever attempted before! We are building a rocket so powerful that it will carry him, higher and faster, up over the mountains that surround Shark Point, deep into the alien world beyond.”

  Everyone gasps with amazement.

  “Last week, your teacher asked you to prepare a presentation about your interest in land exploration,” Dr. Lamprey continues. “What your teacher didn’t tell you is that we are going to be judging those presentations and the winning student will get to train with Buzz to become a terranaut-with the possibility of accompanying him on his next mission!”

  “That’s if you want to accompany me,” Buzz adds.

  “Yes,” Dr. Lamprey says. “Can we please have a show of fins from all those who would like to be considered.”

  All of us put a fin up.

  Except Joe. His rear toots so loud this time, he becomes the first schoolkid ever to volunteer to be a terranaut by the power of his butt alone.

  A hush has fallen over the gym. Just the mild rustle of seaweed in the current can be heard.

  Mrs. Shelby has taken a seat next to Dr. Lamprey and Buzz Sharkfin. They are all waiting to judge our presentations.

  Of course Rick has decided that he’s going to go first, and floats past, deliberately bumping into me. I’m sent spinning into Joe. “That’s just for starters,” Rick hisses.

  Rick swims up to the stage.

  “On you go, son,” says Buzz, looking expectantly at Rick.

  The whole school holds its gills.

  “Every time I go on vacation to Finsney World, I ask Mom and Dad to take a detour to the John F. Kelpy SeaSpace Center,” Rick begins. “The rides at Finsney World are okay, but what I really want to see are the terraships and to learn about the terranauts like Buzz!”

  What a bunch of seaweed, I think.

  Buzz nods, smiles, and fins to the crowd.

  “I love seeing where they manage the expeditions at Fishon Control, and it’s really great being able to buy all your official merchandise in the NASA store, Buzz.”

  More smiles from Buzz.

  “I would be wearing my Buzz Sharkfin T-shirt now, but someone”-Rick drills his eyes into me like the dentist of doom-“ruined it!”

  “Don’t worry, son,” says Buzz. “We’ll get you a dozen new ones for you and your family.”

  I don’t believe it!

  “And to finish, all I want to say is that when I look up at the glinting waves overhead, and think of the endless sky and the distant lands, all I want to do is reach for the starfish and conquer seaspace for all oceankind!”

  WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?????

  I look in my schoolbag.

  My presentation, the one I had been working on FOR AN ENTIRE WEEK, is missing! I see Rick stuffing a bit of crumpled paper into the pocket of his leather jacket. He must have stolen the last, and best, lines of my presentation when he bumped into me!

  Everyone in the hall is going crazy. Buzz, Mrs. Shelby, and Dr. Lamprey are clapping as fast as their fins and flippers can manage!

  Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!!!

  Rick swims offstage and winks at me. “Ha! I told you I’d get you back, Rubberhead. You’re not going anywhere near Buzz’s Rocket.”

  I’m in such a panic I don’t hear much of anybody else’s presentation-I’m too busy trying to rewrite mine in my head. It’s only when I hear Joe yelling, “No! Stop! It was all a mistake caused by my butt!” as Mrs. Shelby pushes him onto the stage, that my attention comes back to the hall. There’s a stunned silence as Joe screams in Buzz’s face, “Don’t take me into space, you terranaughty shark! I DON’T WANT TO GO!!!” And then swims away as fast as he can.

  I can’t think of anything for my speech. And to make it double worse, the whispering around the hall is that Rick’s was the best presentation EVER!

  And it was. BECAUSE I WROTE IT.

  “So, last but not least,” announces Mrs. Shelby. “It’s Harry Hammer!”

  As I make my way to the stage, I can hear Rick snickering to his friend Donny Dogfish. “Here he comes! Space dork number one.”

  I look out at the sea of faces, and I can tell they think I won’t be anywhere near as good as Rick.

  I look at Buzz, who gives me a bored nod.

  Mrs. Shelby gives me the tiniest of smiles.

  Dr. Lamprey looks at her watch.

  ZZZZZZZZZZZZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  Just then, something stings me on my rear fin!

  OWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

  I leap up into the school currents with a roar, trying to escape the pain.

  ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGHHHHH!!!

  I spin up through the water, end over ending, turning, twisting, double-barrel rolling, fin-slapping, double-nose endy-ing, gill-sliding, and dorsal-diving-but the pain will not go away!

  OWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  I shoot up blindly, trying to escape the sting in my butt, skimming the lobster-basketball hoop, dipping in and out of the seawall bars.

  What is stinging me?

  I tail-kick and kick and kick, thinking there must be something attached to me, a stingray or a Portuguese man-o’-war, that I need to scrape off with the rush of speeding water. . . .

  BUT NOTHING IS WORKING!!!!

  I nose-wake back down toward the schoolkids-shooting a left-wheeling hammer-crisscross and a triple tail-over-hook, skidding to a halt next to Joe.

  “I wondered where I’d left that,” says Joe, pulling something from my underside.

  Stuck to my backside was Joe’s spare venom sac! Youch! How did that ever happen? Luckily, now that Joe has plucked it off, the pain is receding.

  Everyone, including Buzz, is looking at me.

  I hang my hammer head in shame. Not only have I had my speech stolen by Rick, but I’ve made a complete fool of myself in front of the whole school and the ocean’s greatest terranaut.

&n
bsp; But . . .

  Buzz sits up and starts to clap his fins together.

  “Son, that was the most amazing set of aquabatics I have ever seen!”

  Huh?????????

  “You may not know this, but most terranauts start out as ace pilots pulling off just the kind of moves you did there. I’ve been completely knocked out by your skills!”

  I cannot believe what I’m hearing!

  “So, I can confidently say that there are TWO winners here today. The best two potential terranauts in Shark Point are Rick and Harry!” Buzz announces. “Both of you will travel with me to NASA headquarters to train as terranauts!”

  Me, a terranaut!

  “FIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  Dr. Lamprey’s voice is tinny and metallic as she starts the countdown.

  “FOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  I can see Buzz high up in the laboratory above the Landfall Test Pit.

  “THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  The terrasuit I’m wearing feels so weird. Not only is the hammer-shaped helmet itchy around my neck, but the water tastes stale and fake. Yuck.

  “TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  In front of me, the door into the main test pit starts to clank open on huge whale-bone hinges. I feel tiny. And more than a little scared.

  “ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  That’s when Rick barges past, pushing a sharp fin into my side and whirring the wheels on his space buggy, and zooms out into the sunlight!

  “TEST BEGINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  I end up falling off my buggy with my butt in the air, and Rick rolls out into the Landfall Test Pit first, waving to Buzz as he goes.

  Rick turns around-we need the vehicles or else we won’t be able to move around outside the safe waters of the terraship-and comes back, holding out a fin to help me up.

  I’m immediately suspicious. Why would he help me?